Watch "Machines of Loving Grace - Golgotha Tenement Blues" on YouTube

Machines of Loving Grace - Golgotha Tenement Blues~~From “The Crow”~~ I still love this soundtrack just as much as I did when it first came out.

8mm~~No Way Back~~

LOVE this song…..

I absolutely love this song, but it has a tendency to make me feel a little sad. I just passed the 1 year mark of being single. My last relationship was for almost 6yrs. It ended badly. I wasn’t expecting it to end. We had issues, but who doesn’t. When I’m in a relationship; I give it my all. I don’t give up when things get tough. I’m a loyal, dependable, faithful(unfortunately she wasn’t), honest, loving, hard~working, determined woman. I will never lie. Never cheat. And I’ll always be honest about anything & everything. I’m a catch, dammit & proud of it. But I’ve been told that I’m somewhat intimidating. I don’t understand that at all lol , but I guess that’s the scoop. I’m an open book & I wear my heart on my sleeve. All someone has to do is ask me anything & I’ll answer it. I LOVE it when people have the balls to do & say what they want instead of wishing for it or wanting to do something but just never do. There’s nothing more attractive than confidence. And there’s nothing more unappealing than vanity unless of course you’re a vain liar~~that would be a double whammy of ugliness.
So, back to the song…..& why it makes me a little sad. Since the break~up I’ve had many weak moments where I blame myself & miss her. She used to send texts, e~mails & even called like we’re buddy~buddy, so it was VERY easy to get pulled in to that comfort zone, which really should be called the ‘danger zone’~~comfort can be so deceiving. She was wrong to have ever led me to believe that I had any shred of hope, but that didn’t stop her…..There were many times where I thought I still had a chance. I was a pathetic mess. It’s funny to me now.
I claim to be a strong woman, which I am, but my weaknesses have been surfacing a lot more often this year. I kind of lost who I was when I was with her. 6 years is a very long time with someone. I didn’t completely lose me…..I just chose to put a ton of my wants or needs on the back burner in order to devote more attention to hers & I got lost in her ideas & her wants & her needs, which is good in a way, because I did discover things about myself that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise. I now know that I love to camp….LOVE the outdoors….LOVE taking pictures….I like to fish but they don’t like me ;o)  But I lost that creative part of me that loves to write, paint, draw, design things….etc I’m so happy to get reintroduced to myself. I can barely sleep anymore. It feels like there’s not enough time in a day to relearn all that makes me ‘me’.
I’m finally starting to not miss her anymore. I miss my dogs though. That will never go away. But I don’t miss her. It took a year, but I feel better now. I can sleep in bed without crying because her side is empty….now I sprawl out & enjoy the extra room(that my dog takes up eventually). I eat all of the leftovers instead of having to save half lol~~I don’t have to share holidays, which I didn’t mind doing, but it’s a bonus for the time being…..I get to use the WHOLE closet :o)….I can sit wherever I want to at the movie theatre….I quit smoking. Losing her turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel more in tune with my wants & needs. I’m confused about a few things in my life that I consider very personal, but I’m sure I’ll write about that eventually too. I’m warming up to this whole blogging thing. It feels good to get this out….whatever ‘this’ is lol

Rachael Yamagata~~”Paper Doll”

Her music reminds me of when I painted a house that I lived in years ago. I had a lot of GREAT memories made in that house. One in particular with listening to Rachael Yamagata while I was painting blue swirls with my bare fingers on the walls of the ‘dining room’(more like the ‘stoner room’ back in the day~my roommate smoked everyday~I  never got high, but I liked the smell of it~~so anyway, the swirls were fitting, topped with these old paintings that my dad made when he was younger of these circular stairs that lead up a hill & to a door in the stem of a mushroom~~My dad can paint~it’s sounds cheesy, but the painting is pretty kick ass….they completed the room) Sorry, rambling…. I was having fun painting, listening to a lil Yamagata magic….the windows were bare, so people could clearly see what I was doing. I literally lived right next to a biker bar. Not 2 minutes away…..right next door…..I’d walk out my door, hop the fence & I’m there….crank open the window & have a conversation with the owner……RIGHT next door. Well, they were having a benefit called “Chaps & Thongs Night”. It was hilarious to watch all of these people. Some wore frilly lil undies…..some wore not so pretty ones…..some wore boxers…..some wore none at all…..some should’ve NOT participated~~I’m mentally scarred from some visions that night ;o)  You get the picture. So when I hear Rachael Yamagata…..I have a whirlwind of memories flashing in my mind.

First thing that I did when I moved into that house was to plug in this gigantic CD player & play Jimi Hendrix~Experience Hendrix on repeat for hours while we carried all of our boxes in to that house & unpacked/the first place that my roommate & I had ever lived in away from home(aside from when I moved out of state~that barely counts)….. When I painted the kitchen it was to Jack Johnson~On & On……Evanescence~Fallen & Dido when I painted the spare bedroom….ICP Insane Clown Posse, Norah Jones, R.E.M. & Frente when I painted the basement…….I keep smiling because I’ll picture all of these mini~movies in my head…..I was playing ICP & my friend Rockey came over to help me clean & paint….& we’re singing & goofing off to ICP…..then after we go upstairs, drink wine & play Scene It for hours with only the DVD & then we’d get our 2nd wind & listen to a ton of old school tunes…. & introduce each other to new music. I’m going to end on that note. I will fall asleep with good thoughts tonight. If I could give Rachael Yamagata a hug; I would!

"Falling Hard"~~The Crystal Method featuring MEIKO

Imogen Heap~2-1 (Such a beautiful & sexy song…..)

Glen Phillips - The Hole (by Rareighties)

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